Self disabling guilt
G'day. I finally twigged as to why I'm so much more capable when away from home (or at least I'm finally putting it down, I guess I've really known it somewhere in the back of my head for years): When I'm at home I am to some degree dependent on my mum for support (less so if she's not around but it's still the case while I live in her house). I feel guilty about being dependent on my mum, but justify this by the fact that I'm sick. Because being sick supports my justification for being dependent on my mum, I subconsciously make myself sicker than I would be if I was living away from home & completely independent.
It's not moving to Melbourne or Crescent Head that I need to do, it's being independent & moving away from home. While I have known this for years I haven't been able to figure out how to do it because Sydney is so expensive I would need to be working to move out, hence the thoughts of moving cities, first to Crescent Head & then to Melbourne, which would only work if I was working which I am healthy enough to do when I'm not at home, although moving to another city banking on the fact that being independent will enable me to find the health I need to work while cutting myself off from almost my entire network of support (replacing hundreds of friends with just a handful) is taking a big risk. All's I need to do is to work one day a week here in Sydney & I can move out of home. I calculated this while moving to a friend's place in September 2000, when I was working part time as a volunteer in my church office & managed to keep this up into January 2001 before the deficit in my income forced me to move back home & my health immediately collapsed. Ironically this was just about the time I felt my run of health had lasted long enough for me to look for some part time work.
Although things are more expensive now, the pension has gone up slightly & I have my part time income from Brackets & Jam, which means I would only need to work 1 day a week to move out of home. This is the correct order to do things in without risking my falling down & having a relapse of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: (1) find 1 day a week paid work, which I could do now & is sustainable long term; (2) move out of home into the Eastern suburbs where almost all my friends live & I have a tremendous support network; (3) after this my health should pick up enough to finish off my upgrade to a B.Min. at Tabor, work a couple or a few days per week, &/or move to Melbourne, however I would be doing those things from a position of strength instead of just hoping things worked out & that I didn't fall flat on my face.
In Other News:
I just completed a child protection course which was very interesting & gives me a few ideas for things we need to implement as part of Beranghi, although I did it because of helping out with Sunday School. I'll also need it to take up teaching Scripture in school, which is another project I am undertaking.
I just completed the first part of the Basic Course in Prayer Ministry at Elijah House again, doing the sound for them. I did a training day on the PA at church as part of being the volunteer in charge of sound recordings at the church & I am now quite handy with it. One of my projects is to get trained on the desk at the Redfern Community Centre. I've inadvertently gone on my way to being a sound engineer.
I'm putting together a CD of all the songs I've written which I can still remember & calling it "Unripe Fruit," which will be descriptive. I've got about 9 songs, 5 of which are relatively new & 4 of which appeared on a tape I did with 12 of my songs on it that got lost years ago, so about 8 songs I've written have been lost to antiquity. Oh well, they weren't my best songs or I'd have been playing them.
Between all this & getting efficient enough to do a really decent job as Brackets & Jam's administrator I'd better be getting healthier or I won't be able to manage it all anyway.
Blessings,
Joe :-)
It's not moving to Melbourne or Crescent Head that I need to do, it's being independent & moving away from home. While I have known this for years I haven't been able to figure out how to do it because Sydney is so expensive I would need to be working to move out, hence the thoughts of moving cities, first to Crescent Head & then to Melbourne, which would only work if I was working which I am healthy enough to do when I'm not at home, although moving to another city banking on the fact that being independent will enable me to find the health I need to work while cutting myself off from almost my entire network of support (replacing hundreds of friends with just a handful) is taking a big risk. All's I need to do is to work one day a week here in Sydney & I can move out of home. I calculated this while moving to a friend's place in September 2000, when I was working part time as a volunteer in my church office & managed to keep this up into January 2001 before the deficit in my income forced me to move back home & my health immediately collapsed. Ironically this was just about the time I felt my run of health had lasted long enough for me to look for some part time work.
Although things are more expensive now, the pension has gone up slightly & I have my part time income from Brackets & Jam, which means I would only need to work 1 day a week to move out of home. This is the correct order to do things in without risking my falling down & having a relapse of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome: (1) find 1 day a week paid work, which I could do now & is sustainable long term; (2) move out of home into the Eastern suburbs where almost all my friends live & I have a tremendous support network; (3) after this my health should pick up enough to finish off my upgrade to a B.Min. at Tabor, work a couple or a few days per week, &/or move to Melbourne, however I would be doing those things from a position of strength instead of just hoping things worked out & that I didn't fall flat on my face.
In Other News:
I just completed a child protection course which was very interesting & gives me a few ideas for things we need to implement as part of Beranghi, although I did it because of helping out with Sunday School. I'll also need it to take up teaching Scripture in school, which is another project I am undertaking.
I just completed the first part of the Basic Course in Prayer Ministry at Elijah House again, doing the sound for them. I did a training day on the PA at church as part of being the volunteer in charge of sound recordings at the church & I am now quite handy with it. One of my projects is to get trained on the desk at the Redfern Community Centre. I've inadvertently gone on my way to being a sound engineer.
I'm putting together a CD of all the songs I've written which I can still remember & calling it "Unripe Fruit," which will be descriptive. I've got about 9 songs, 5 of which are relatively new & 4 of which appeared on a tape I did with 12 of my songs on it that got lost years ago, so about 8 songs I've written have been lost to antiquity. Oh well, they weren't my best songs or I'd have been playing them.
Between all this & getting efficient enough to do a really decent job as Brackets & Jam's administrator I'd better be getting healthier or I won't be able to manage it all anyway.
Blessings,
Joe :-)
posted by Joe at
Sunday, August 21, 2005
1 Comments:
What are you afraid of? I am always surprised to find a Christian who is fearful of life. It seems to me that of all people, those who have a strong belief in Christianity should be the least fearful. When ever I read the teachings of Christ I tend toward feelings of belonging, strength and safety. Life is meant to be fun, filled with love and friendship. Unless I am wrong that was Christ's message. What is there to be afraid of when you believe in love? You could try living in the moment where there is no past or future just love and connection with all things. We are all connected, we are all loved. The only thing we fear is that we are not connected (to God, to each other)and that is not possible, ergo, nothing to fear.
Just a thought.
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